It was during my Critical Thinking class, at NYU, I became conscious of a change that was occurring internally, also known as a "paradigm shift."

This is the paper I wrote for that class back in October. I invite you to join me on where my November's Journey all began:

Critical Thinking Paper 

Thomas Kuhn, perhaps one of the most influential philosophers of science in the past several decades, who was also for many years a professor of philosophy and history of science at MIT, created the notion of a paradigm shift. He became curious with the process by which theories, once held to be true, were replaced by very different ones, also held to be true. For example, the belief that the earth was once flat held swayed for centuries; once that notion was proven not true, there became a new theory — also known as a paradigm shift. In this critical analysis paper, my aim is to dissect the paradigm shift currently happening in my life.

From the beginning of my physical existence, I was not an ordinary child with a typical American upbringing. Until the age of 22, I traversed the foster care system; a place where everything that happened, both good and bad, forced me to carve my own underlying beliefs, assumptions, and values, and allow them to form the way I see the world. Albeit, there was a multitude of experiences in care that shaped my views, in this paper, I will focus on the root cause of my current paradigm shift.

Before my mother died when I was ten years old, I briefly remember seeing her only two times, not a memory more or less. After she had died on January 4th, 2004, it took me three complete years to feel the pain of losing her, during which time, I was also experiencing feelings of abandonment from my African-American adopted mother, who put me back into the foster care system after our legal adoption that lasted seven years, disrupted. I lost my biological mother because of her choice to use drugs, which made her susceptible to HIV and Cancer and my adoptive mother, who changed my biological name and renamed me “Demetrius Johnson," disregarded her imprint on my life and relinquished her parental rights and put me back into the system. The seed of pain that would enlighten me later on began to grow.

As the years passed, I continued to have black foster mothers who continuously gave up on me, and after each one had departed from my life, subconsciously, I began to find much fault in black women and decided not to date them. I founded excuses such as “they are too ghetto” and “their hair is not long enough,” I then began dating women outside my race and while there is nothing wrong with a man having various experiences with women, the intent behind his actions is what is imperative. For two years I disregarded and disrespected black women and dated Chinese, Korean, Philippine, Thai, and Japanese women. I dated Asian women for two reasons: (1) I felt Asian women glorified my physical image as a black man and (2) the young black girls resembled the women who raised me, so I used that notion to also justify my love for Asian women. 

The bottom line is this: there was a deep and ingrained pain that grew in the core of my heart because of my biological mother’s neglect. As I grew older, that pain deepened because of my adoptive mother and my 20 additional black foster parents, who came into my life after I was put back into care, eventually gave up on me. No matter how much of a son, little brother, or a grandson they considered me to be, it was not enough for me to remain in their lives. My paradigm shift helped me realize I looked at black women with a negative eye because of the scars I incurred by my “black mothers.”

My paradigm shift began to become deeper when I would try to converse with the Asian women I was dating about the black men, children, and women dying by the hands of police brutality. In the core of our conversations, I found much sympathy, but there lied a forever-lasting disconnection that would never allow me to share the universal pain us blacks feel when one of our brothers or sisters are killed by the hands of a police officer. The more videos and media reporting’s I would see of black people like Eric Garner, Mike Brown, Sandra Bland, Trayvon Martin, Tamir Rice, Walter L. Scott, Samuel DuBose, and the multitude of other black lives, began to loosen my deep-seated anger I had towards black people but more importantly, black women, and replaced it with a growing love. 

The underlying hatred I had towards black women and myself as a black man continued  to dismantle while being on social media and seeing a plethora of post from black women around the world that said: “I love you, black men” and “you matter to me.” The images and memories of the black women who I felt had failed me while a little boy, were replaced by black women on the front lines, ready to give their freedom and their life for me. Slowly, my paradigm shift continued, and it was as if the love that resonated in my heart, became palpable and I wanted to share that love with all black people. During which time, the image in the mirror—once all the external properties gave loose—became a beautiful one; not only because I am a black man but because I saw an image that the world felt was worth fighting for.

“This could not be true,” is all I could think about. For once in my entire life, I questioned my beliefs, assumptions, and values, things I held to be true against all because I realized an internal bleeding that could have sent me into despair later on in my life. If I were not able to unearth my deep-rooted pains, I would have continued believing I genuinely loved Asian women or worst; I would have continued making excuses about black women and why I did not date them, which would have continued being a detriment to how I viewed myself, being a black man. I would not have unearthed the deep-rooted and isolated pain I felt towards my biological, adopted, and foster mothers. Even though I initially tried to dismiss and just rationalize these psychological occurrences as merely a “lack of sleep” however, I could not get the feeling out of my mind that there possibly could be a life-changing paradigm shift actually happening right now, which was triggered by my critical thinking class.

It was complicated and intriguing to see how both of my frameworks reached a crossroads; it was as if experiencing two diametric worlds collide and for that split second—while staring down both corridors— I had complete control over my life and its future. My framework was indeed changing. Also, the moment of truth resonated with me: I was learning not that my previous framework was wrong but that this new framework would help me realize things internally and ultimately, continue to change and improved the way I view the world. I am not sure how paradigm shifts occur in other individuals lives, but because I felt the liberation from this new paradigm, and I believe it will make my life not only better but also, I will be able to share my story in a more powerful way, there ended up being no real challenge of embracing my new framework. I do believe, however, my new framework will come with a new journey, new challenges, and new experiences which will change the trajectory of my life and I believe, deepen its meaning.

Not only did this new shift accommodate my new beliefs, assumptions, and values, but I believe the level of respect that I felt I lost for black people because of the pain inflicted on my upbringing by my black mother(s), has been found. The level of respect and trust is akin to two brothers in slavery kneeling side-by-side embracing their fate. The level of love that has awakened in my shift has made me aware that I, as an educated black man, can bring systemic changes to my people and that I can also leave my mark on the entire black community and the world like Martin Luther King, Rosa Parks, and Malcolm X. 

Although I am experiencing this shift where I am falling in love with myself and my people more, one thing that has remained constant and will forever remain constant, is the unconditional and unwavering love I have for my fellow human being, regardless of their religion, race, or sex. The multitude of people I have met throughout my life, whether they were my foster parents, teachers, friends, or strangers,  has given me what I will consider  my “universal soul.” The ability to connect with your fellow human being based solely on the fact that that life breathes the same air to survive as you do, regardless of how much wealth, education, or health, they have, is the most beautiful paradigms I ever had.

I finally understand why Thomas Kuhn became so fascinated with what he later called a paradigm shift. To consciously experience your entire world change at 22 is a feeling I cannot articulate and I would be doing a disservice to this experience I am having by trying to put it into words with the hopes my fellow human can understand. While I may not be able to tell the story about my paradigm shift any better than this paper, I look forward to being able to speak on the experience after my paradigm shift halts, and maybe then, I will be able to tell this story better.