Black-Owned Restaurant #7: Cecil

I had to make the toughest decision today while at Cecil’s. I came with a close friend of mine who I haven't seen in a while. That friend is my Italian adoptive “dad” (note: I consider John to be my big brother). In any case, when John and I walked into the restaurant, I approached the two employees and introduced myself. After sharing my “November’s Journey,” they delightfully welcomed me and walked us over to our seats. Once I noticed the two couples sitting next to our table, I realized two things: (1) I came to the right place (2) I needed to sit alone. To the right and left of my seat was two white men and across from them were two beautiful, beautiful black women. My emotions reacted too fast so I could not tell John why, but I told him I needed to be alone and asked that he respect “my journey” (First time I noticed my November’s journey can hurt those I love). 

So there I sat …

I looked at both black women because they sat diagonally from me. I could not understand why I felt so uncomfortable sitting there as a black man watching these black women eat with their white men (After a couple of minutes I realized one woman was in a relationship and the other woman was with her gay white friend). I questioned myself: Demetrius, you dated only Asian women for the past two years, what’s the problem? I then realized I felt uncomfortable because I simply did not like to see black women with white men. I could date outside my race and applauded other brothers who did too, but I looked down on black women who dated white men.

I expressed my feelings while speaking about my November’s journey to my waitress and another customer and they both said the same thing: love is love. Instantly I had to look inside myself, and I realized the trauma I have from my biological mother neglecting me, my black adoptive mother putting me back into the system, and the 25(+) black foster mother's  I had, still shaped the way I saw black women. You can basically say I disregarded and disrespected black women because I felt shitted on by all the black women that came into my life, even by the one who gave birth me. 

This is why I am on this journey.

I am learning how to love myself because I will never receive that love from the black women of the past, but I can learn how to love Demetrius, so that when a black woman does come into my life, I can love her wholeheartedly and not allow the pain of the past to ruin our relationship.

I sat there alone as it felt like the entire world became blurry and God reminded me why I am on this journey. He is taking those deep-seated pains out of me and replacing them with love. 

To my dear friend John, this is why I needed to sit alone…

Thank you, Cecil, for being a part of my journey

#whichblackownedresturauntisnext